I am married to an awesome guy that has been incredibly supportive throughout my journey as I’ve learned to navigate my life with anxiety. However, being in a marriage with someone that has never dealt with anxiety hasn’t all been easy. There is a lot of misunderstanding surrounding mental health and on average, most people are very uneducated about it.
This blog will be focused on supporting a partner with anxiety (specifically in a relationship in which one person has anxiety and the other one does not). However, I think this blog post will be relevant for anyone that has a loved one that has anxiety whether that be a sibling, parent, family member or friend.
Before diving in, please remember that it is ok to feel unsure of how to support someone with anxiety. The most important thing is to communicate with your loved one and continue to educate yourself about mental health.
This blog post is set up differently in that I asked Jesse a series of questions and recorded his answers. I want to reiterate that just because this has worked for us does not mean it is the best solution for you. Find whatever works best for you and your loved one and do that.
1. As someone that does not have an Anxiety disorder, what is the most difficult thing for you to understand about anxiety?
When you are having really bad anxiety because of a specific thing. Even though you know that it is the anxiety that is making you feel that way, you cannot just easily forget it and move on. For example, when you worked at the restaurant. In the mornings when it was really bad, you knew it was because you had to go to work and deal with all that crap. But, you still couldn’t get rid of that anxious feeling even though you knew what was causing it. Since I do not have anxiety, it is easy for me to just think about a problem and then continue on with my day. So it was very hard for me to understand this at first and still is sometimes.
2. What advice do you have for other couples in which one person in the relationship has anxiety?
Have a conversation and try to work together on finding out what works for the person that has anxiety. Find something that helps them. Don’t let your significant other face this alone. Be as supportive, loving, and patient as possible.
3. How can you best support me when I am having an anxiety attack?
For you, your anxiety is the worst in the morning. I could be better at getting out of bed with you early in the morning. I don’t always do that because it's hard to get up, but that is helpful for you.
It has also been helpful when we make time in the morning to just sit and relax before we have to leave for work. I also try to just try to be with you when you are feeling anxious, to just talk to you and try to get your mind off it. I know I’m not the best at that. But I try to do that.
4. What support measures have you personally tried and found to be unhelpful?
When your anxiety was new for both of us, it was the hardest to support you then. You seemed off all the time. At first, I reacted badly. We would argue about stupid stuff and I felt like you were sad often without realizing that there was anything else going on. Being unaware and uneducated about anxiety made me react poorly. But once I became aware and educated, it became easier to be a supportive husband.
5. When I was at my lowest point with anxiety, how did that affect you? What was difficult?
It was really hard because you were always anxious/sad and there was nothing I could do to help you most of the time. I spent more time being right with you, trying to understand, but still not understanding. It was rough. I felt helpless like there was nothing I could do. Having to see you so anxious all the time would make me really upset. It was so hard to see the person you love that way.
6. How can other partners support their loved one with anxiety? What tips would you give them?
Be supportive by being there for the other person. Try to help get their mind off whatever is bothering them. Simply reassuring them that it's going to be ok isn’t always enough. Take time to educate and fully understand what your partner is going through. You will probably never fully understand what they are going through, but you can at least try to learn as best as you can.
7. Taking time for yourself is important too. What do you do to take time for yourself?
I have guys’ night once a week to see my friends/brothers. I also work on furniture. Sometimes I play horseshoes. It’s hard to take care of yourself, but it's worth it.
8. How does anxiety impact our daily life?
On average, it doesn’t affect it that much. It only affects our daily life when it's very bad for you. Mornings are usually the hardest. It can be difficult for you to get out of bed.
9. Going through this journey with me, what have you learned about mental health? What (if any) of your thoughts were changed?
I’ve learned that not everyone is the same (obviously) and what one person could see as something very easy to deal with could be a major problem for someone else (like getting out of bed or doing a small task). If someone has anxiety, there isn’t an easy solution to help a person get through it. You can be supportive to the other person, but there is no way to solve the problem.
Before this, I always thought that anxiety didn’t affect people as much as I see now. I used to think if you had anxiety that most of the time it was pretty easy to deal with. I thought it would make people anxious of course, but I didn’t realize it could even have physical symptoms.
10. As a significant other to someone that has Anxiety, it's important for you to be supportive, but to also help push me out of my comfort zone sometimes. How do you discern the difference between the need for absolute support and the time to provide encouragement/push me to try?
I wait to see how you are reacting. If I know that something causes you anxiety (like the mornings), then I don’t try to push it. I try to be supportive and help you in any way I can. But at a time that is less stressful for you, I will sometimes try to encourage you to go outside of your comfort zone.
For example, when we took a hike recently, we climbed up a rope on a waterfall. You really didn’t want to do it (and were getting very anxious), but I knew you could do it (and had done it before). I knew once you got to the top and the anxiety had passed, you would be happy that you did it.
An example of when I wouldn’t push you to do something is when it comes to working. When you were working as a waitress that was when this all started. You were constantly working either at home or at work. Plus you weren’t treated very well by customers. This caused a lot of anxiety for you, so I would never push you to overwork yourself.